“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat