Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[adds another nod to the conversation]
real
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.