Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.