I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.