I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
subtitles are so good nowadays
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad