Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Fries, not lies.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this