QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I triple waxed for this?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.