Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.