[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there鈥檚 a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I鈥檓 too pretty for prison
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around鈥fficer.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you鈥檇 be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
big announcement, i鈥檓 working on a new horror property
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i鈥檒l be dead
Who snuck Monday in here? 馃檮
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can鈥檛 wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me as a kid: when I鈥檓 an adult I鈥檓 gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don鈥檛 finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I鈥檒l always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I鈥檒l be over there for you.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I鈥檓 telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Alexa, make me look good naked.