this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
For the orator and chef in all of us
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I just love that new Pope smell.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha