> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)