The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let鈥檚 go let鈥檚 go let鈥檚 gooooo.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I hate Valentine鈥檚 Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo ingl猫s.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: I think I鈥檒l try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT鈥橲 GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 馃檹
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Mechanic: What鈥檚 the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn鈥檛 that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I鈥檓 good with the old oil.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I鈥檝e decided today I鈥檓 following the lead of my 2 yr old and I鈥檓 just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend鈥re you gonna eat that?