Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”