The cashier just checked me out.
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you