A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Saw your ex at the shops
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband