I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
this is uni
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff