John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
This classic never gets old . . .
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!