fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Self-cleaning conscience
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.