Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets