10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Seems legit
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
britain’s three elite institutions
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.