The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA