Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
A woman drives into a bar.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.