If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.