I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
You Might Also Like
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
finally found a reasonable question
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you