Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”