it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
You Might Also Like
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it