I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
😅🤣😂
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
😂😂
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf