You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.