I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Worth a try
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.