Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
You Might Also Like
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.