not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
You Might Also Like
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Introverted vegans go meetless
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]