Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You Might Also Like
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions