Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
You Might Also Like
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants