Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Pringles
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
all toddlers look the same when telling a story