i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
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me 2 months after i graduated
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
these two trucks have the same bed length
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.