The 6 types of sex
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN