Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.