Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Lmaoo 😂
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.