Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.