I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If you want my opinion ask my wife
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
PARKOUR
😆this is so true
Wikigenius
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger