Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.