My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
You Might Also Like
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.