Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
is nasa ok
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.