HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
You Might Also Like
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Where is your GOD now????
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”