This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in