[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?