I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Cake safety first. Always.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.