Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.