[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.