The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.